real life

By now I think most of you know the 27th May 2009 was a bad day for me for two very different reasons. My team Manchester United got humiliated by Barcelona in the Champions League final and I was diagnosed with a form of cancer called hodgekins disease.

Even though this event happened a couple of months ago I still find it extremely difficult talking about about what I'm going through. I have to force myself into writing this and speaking to friends and family about all this for my own sanity when things are hard going. When I hear the words come out of my own mouth I know it's no joke and it gets me really down. But I have to. And have to tell you about all this.

The day the doctors first told me I was in a state of shock for many days and weeks. I couldn't comprehend that this had happened to me. I still can't. I thought maybe if I didn't talk about it, it somehow would not be real and I would wake up any second from a really terrible nightmare. This tactic helps most of the time but them sometimes my anger and frustrations explode in a fatal swoop on the unsuspecting person who is around me at the time. I don't mean to do these things. They kinda just happen. Much like this fucking illness.

I attend chemotherapy every other week and it's now become the day when I have no choice to think about what is going on inside of me. The more you attend hospital, it never gets easier. Don't believe what anybody else says. It's a three hour session which takes place with one of the wonderful nurses who work in the haematology department. They administer four different types of medicine directly into my veins. It's called ABVD treatment, One of them makes you want to hurl immediately and one of the others makes your pee the colour of Tizer. A bit of useless information for you.

Illnesses bring out some of the worst in people. That's why they are so bad. Some of the thoughts and feelings I have experienced this year; I never thought my brain was capable of them. Some of the shit I have said when things have gone wrong has been incredible in the sense that I have never spoken such negative words before. When things go wrong you start to question everything. It's like somebody or something doesn't want you to get better. But I guess this is part of the challenge. It overcome these challenges. I'm quite an upbeat person who can look on the bright side of things most of the time. It just shows how something like this can infect and pollute your normal thought pattern.

I'm finding writing this blog really difficult. I don't know how to express what I want to say. I have days why I am alright about things and you'll think nothing is bothering me. And I look to the future. And I am optimistic. And sometimes I have days when I am in so much pain I can't take it any more. And I mean really can't take it.

I have learned a lot about myself during this time and when things take turns for the worse in life, that is what we have to do. When all this is over I'll be able to fully reflect on this period of my life. Some have you have said how my ordeal as inspired and educated you, which is awesome.

I just want next year to start now and being fit a healthy for the first time in my life. I have so much I want to do and things to catch up on.

I have my halfway point CT scan this Thursday which will show what sort of progress I am making and how much more treatment I need to have so it's a pretty big deal. Fingers crossed it's all good news.

I'll be alright. I always am in the end.